This post was a long time coming, but here it is. I needed to manage to make it come out of my mouth before it could come out of my hands.
I am frightened. I am scared. Some days I am terrified.
I am afraid to get pregnant. Kind of bizarre since I’ve spent the most of the last two years trying to get pregnant.
But I am. I’m afraid of losing another baby. I’m afraid of getting psyched up about it only to fail again. And yes, my miscarriage does feel like a personal failure. If there was nothing wrong with the fetus genetically, then there must have been something wrong with me. My brain won’t let go of this thought, even though it manages to hide it way back in a dark corner most of the time.
I’m afraid that it will be a boy and that I will forever mourn the daughter I will never have. I will not love a boy any less than if it was a girl,but there will always be the what ifs and the wondering. At my age and with the level of difficulty I have had in conceiving, it is unlikely I will be able to have more than one more child. If I can even be that lucky.
I’m afraid of having twins, though it’s not likely. I’m afraid of having a baby with special needs. Is my desire for another child at this age likely to cause a situation where I am not there enough for the bear as he gets older due to the need to give considerably more attention to another child? I mean beyond the normal extra attention given to a baby, obviously. Will he feel less important, less loved? Will he resent the new baby even more for needing mommy and daddy more than he did/does?
I’m afraid that I won’t be able to keep up with a new baby even if there isn’t a special needs issue. I’m occasionally exhausted trying to keep up with a constantly-in-motion 3 year old now.
I’m afraid of having a girl. Will I be able to use the name we had chosen for a girl? Will Corum be able to? I’m not sure how much he attached the name to the baby, since we didn’t know it was a girl until afterwards.
In short, I think I’m afraid of everything…
Thank you SO much for sharing your thoughts on this. You are *SO* normal it’s scary! The feelings you have right now, or have had, are the same for anyone who has lost a child. I posted about how my Ex and i Lost our 1st pregnancy @ 33 weeks. Our trying after that was TERRIFYING. And once we conceived, it was 40 weeks of pure HELL hoping and praying not to have the same problem.
In the end, we had a healthy son, and all is well now. and i am lucky and grateful for that. We’ve had friends who have lost many pregnancies before being successful again, and sadly, some were never successful.
Obviously that comment isnt meant to scare you more or validate your fears. It’s meant to let you know that what you are feeling and going through has been felt and gone through before. It’s utterly terrifying at times. But sometimes, the kinship of people going through it before helps US get through it. Sometimes the strength of many help carry the 1 through things. So, try to reach out to others if you havent already. some hospitals offer support groups for helping eachother through times like these. My ex and I went to one for quite some time after we lost our 1st.
You are loved and adored by your family, and friends. And that strength will help you though this time.