I have a referral to a fertility clinic, but it is doubtful that they can do anything to help at this point.

I’m really too devasted at the moment to say much… except that this very much looks like the end of this road for me.

Had a wonderful time last night!  Dinner was yummy (what there was of it) and despite not being able to get the mixed drink I wanted (how could they not have any milk/cream?) we had a nice time.  They had a Cirque-style show put together by identical twin aerialists from Saltimboca, with acrobats and jugglers and trapeze acts.

Got home to find my bear had been a dreamboat for his auntie and was sleeping peacefully.  Still have to convince her to take money for watching him – she insists it was a treat for her.

Must fly to get ready for today’s festivities – we’re supposed to be there at 2.  Let’s see if we make it

…Mother’s Day was very nice.  Got nice cards from my bears and lots of love and snuggles.  Cookout with the inlaws was fun as always.  Bear loves to play with his cousins.   MIL got him a birthday cake and he got some nice presents too.

All in all a really nice day

We are going to a black tie event, a benefit for the American Cancer Society.  It’s not often I get to get really dressed up anymore, so I’m very excited about it!

Will have to take my prescription along with me so I can sneak it down after I eat.  I’m very glad it’s not making me sick because that would be no fun at all in public.  Especially when I have to meet all of the executive staff at Corum’s new job for the first time.

Had a busy day today, got some errands done and took some time to get my nails done.  Continuing the recreation of Kitiara Tomsen   Didn’t go to the gym because I’m afraid if I overdo it I will end up with shin splints.  Wasn’t fun last time I  had them, so I don’t want to do that to myself again.

Won’t be able to go to the gym on Friday either, they close at 9… will have to get my rear in gear and go early on Saturday so I can get other stuff done too…

Called for my blood test results. My FSH (follicle stimulating hormone) was 9.  It’s kind of high.  I’ve read that anything over 9 is bad, but I’ve also seen 10 and 15 listed as the ‘anything over this’ number.  I think my last FSH was 10.2.  Should have insisited that she give me my Estradiol and LH numbers too.  The combination is supposed to be more important that just the FSH alone.

Since I was hoping for something closer to 8 or below, I was not too thrilled, and kinda mopey.  Corum convinced me to get back out of my jammies and go to the gym though, and I really did feel better after that.  Did another 3.75 miles in an hour, 368 calories this time because I upped the incline on the treadmill.

Looking forward to going to the gym on Saturday if I can…  my next bloodtest is on the 13th and that is the really important one.  Am going to try not to think about it for a while…

Also got my period right before I went. At least the walking makes my back hurt less.  I guess when I decide to start from scratch, I do it all the way!  Welcome cycle day 1, 3 days earlier than expected…

Called my ‘infertility coordinator’ this morning and discovered that I needed to fit in a trip to the doctor and a blood test in the middle of my day.  So… dropped off the bear at daycare, flew to the hairdresser, spent 2 hours getting my hair done, drove over the bridge from hell to the doc, apparently just to get a lab slip that could have been faxed to the lab closer to where I live, back across the bridge to the lab and to go to the dentist.  Somewhere in there I managed to grab the bear’s leftover half a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and a can of coke, which I consumed in the car on the way from one place to the next.  Made it to an appt at 4, picked up the bear at 4:30, went to the libvrary and the grocery store, picked up dinner and made it to wine o’clock mostly sane.

This all would have been much easier if I hadn’t accepted a shift for tomorrow.  But I couldn’t turn it down even if I wanted to, since it is at the office which has made noises about hiring me as a permanent part-timer.  It is far from home and I only want to do one longer shift as opposed to the 2 short ones the rep would prefer… but it would be so nice to have something of a regular schedule (and income, even if it’s only ebough for pocket money).

Tomorrow should be a comparatively quiet day.  All I have to do is get up, drop off the boy and go to work.  There is nothing that could happen at work that could possibly induce stress.  I can sit at my desk and complete whatever needs to be done and go home.  ..

Called the doctors’ office and made an appointment for Thursday.  Thought my period would be due on Thursday, but my temperature dropped this morning.  In general that means I can expect my period late today or sometime tomorrow.  If it doesn’t come until Wednesday we can postpone the appointment to Friday. .. but I’d have to arrange daycare.  Thursday would work better all around, so fingers crossed for sooner rather than later.

You are a person who likes a lot of space. You don’t need others to make you happy. And though you sometimes see yourself as a loner, people are drawn to you like a magnet. Deep and sensitive, you tend to impress others with your insights. You also tend to be psychic – so give more thought to that inner voice!

I thought this meant that I was entering perimenopause and that this was my first month skipping ovulation.  I’d been sort of anticipating this, so it was something I was working on dealing with.

Apparently the ovulation kit lied, my  temp going up was real and did indicate that at least that part of me was working properly. I was a couple of days late – ish on getting my period, but I’d spotted a bit since I thought I was due (Halloween), so I didn’t really think anything of it.

On November 2nd, we slept in, and stayed in bed for a while chatting while the bear ran around like a lunatic trying to decide what he wanted for breakfast.

I got up and felt like suddenly my period had started in a rush.  To make a long story short, it wasn’t pretty.  I called the doctor’s office and got a call back. They told me to take a pregnancy test. I really didn’t expect it to be positive! That was when the real shock kicked in.  I was losing a baby I didn’t even know about!

Because it was so early, they didn’t have me come in to the office, or go to the ER.  They just told me to monitor it and only go if I seemed to be hemorrhaging.  Corum thought he was going to have to take me in because I was getting shocky.  I think I remember begging him to let it be.  I didn’t want to upset the bear, and didn’t think we could find someone to watch him on such short notice.

Corum may have just let it go rather than argue with me at that point.  I’m sure a neighbor would have watched the boy!

At any rate, there was nothing that could be done at that point.  We even kept our plans to go to dinner with friends.  I called my boss-of-the-week at home and told him I would be late to work on the next day.  That I had to go for a blood test.  He probably thought I was nuts, but didn’t ask any questions.

He probably just didn’t want to know, since he lost his assistant to cancer the year before, and I was scheduled to cover for his current assistant – while she had a hysterectomy with complications.

I went for my first of many! bloodtests on Monday morning and went to work.  Explained to the boss that I has miscarried the day before and was a little in shock, but I would do my best.  He said ‘why are you here?’  I said there wasn’t much point in staying home by myself. (Corum went to work since I was.) There was nothing that could be done, and the doctors had said I could if I felt up to it.

I think he thought I was nuts but said okay and sent me back to my desk with a project to keep my brain busy.

ps. just realized (apparently I’m now calendar challenged) that tomorrow is the anniversary of the ultrasound for the baby girl we lost last March…